Lately I’ve been thinking a lot about burnout.  It’s part of how I market myself, it speaks strongly to the demographic of coaching client I try to reach.  And it’s an epidemic.  One that many organizations struggle to address.  One of the organizations I currently work with reports a burnout rate close to 90% for its staff. 

There’s loads of guidance out there on building resiliency, tips on self-care, tips on time management.  And it’s all wonderful – but I don’t think it speaks to the root cause.  I’ve worked incredibly hard on things in the past that were passion projects – and I felt renewed and excited rather than depleted at the conclusion of these.

Are you giving from a place of joy or fear?

I’m convinced that burnout is less about how much you’re giving and more about the energy of the place you’re giving from.  Are your efforts coming from a place of joy, or a place of fear?  It’s a very interesting question to consider.  And if I’m super honest, lately it’s been fear for me.  And as I result, I’ve been feeling off.  Lethargic, tired, drained, frustrated, purposeless, aimless.  Which is tough to admit for me considering the name of my business is True North.  As I result, I’ve shied away from writing this blog.  I haven’t felt like myself and I haven’t had the energy.  And I couldn’t figure out why.  And then the other day the answer hit me squarely in the face like a ton of bricks. 

One of the programs I facilitate is a journey of leadership for an energy client.  It’s one of my favorites because it goes deep.  It speaks to things like learner mindset, emotional intelligence, psychology, triggers, psychological safety.  The inner journey of leadership if you will.  My cofacilitators are amazing.  One is a guy I’ve worked with before during a previous stage of my career.  He’s probably the most knowledgeable and accomplished coach and facilitator I’ve ever worked with.  He’s got numerous degrees, he’s got numerous PHDs.  Loads more experience than me, plus he’s super articulate to boot.

When we give from a place of fear, we invite burnout in

I’ve ended up working with him more than usual the last few months.  Great, right?  What an incredible opportunity to learn from someone more experienced and accomplished than myself.  I keep telling myself that, because intellectually I know that’s the “right” way to think about this situation.  But that’s not what I’ve been doing.  What I’ve realized in the last week or so, is that I’ve been silently and unconsciously comparing myself to him.  I’ve been silently sabotaging myself.  There’s a subtle voice that’s been carrying on unchecked during our work together, softly whispering into my ear things like:

  • That comment wasn’t articulate enough.
  • You’re not knowledgeable enough to do this well.
  • You should just hold back and let him speak.  He knows more than you.
  • You just made a mistake.  You should have delivered that section a different way. 
  • You didn’t answer that question very well.  You look foolish now.
  • You’re a total impostor compared to him.  You don’t have the same depth and breadth of experience.
  • You’ve let him take up too much airtime. You need to get in there now and show the participants what you know.

As a result, I’ve been over-preparing for my sections.  Second guessing every word coming out of my mouth.  Viciously chastising myself after a day of delivering that it wasn’t better.  Worrying about how to change my style to be more like him.  To sound more like him.

No wonder I’ve been so exhausted and drained.  I’ve been giving through a lens of fear.  From a need to prove.  From a need to get validation from him and from the participants.  It’s a lonely and empty place to give from.  It’s soul destroying.  And it’s no fun.  I leave the sessions drained and defeated rather than energized.  I’ve been quietly burning myself out day after day after day and not realizing I’m running on empty.  Ironic, considering that was the title of the book I wrote a few years back…

When we can appreciate our gifts, we give from a place of joy

It’s not his fault.  And it’s not my fault either.  I’m human and no matter how much I know about mindset, it’s still possible to fall into the trap of comparison and defeatism.  But here’s what I’m realizing:

  • I speak clearly and succinctly. 
  • I have a knack for breaking complicated things down and making them relatable.
  • I’m great at practical application.
  • I’m a natural storyteller.
  • I’m funny and have a gift for making others laugh.
  • I’m a skillful coach who engages participants by asking questions. 
  • I’m relatable, informal and vulnerable.

And I perform a lot better and have a lot more fun when I double down on who I am as a coach and facilitator.  I lead by being who I am.  Not by following the lead of someone I am not.  He will probably always know more than me.  He’s got 15 years more experience than I do.  He will probably always be more articulate than me, particularly as it relates to theories and concepts.  That’s a special gift he has.  And that’s okay. 

This has been a powerful insight for me, and an ironic one, considering the subject matter I’m involved with day in and day out.  That leadership really starts with accepting the whole gift of who one is and giving from the place that you have something special to offer the world. 

When I embrace this lens, I can see so much more clearly.  That learning isn’t about mimicking or comparison.  That I can still learn from him, while not negating my strengths and what I have to offer.  It’s not an either-or equation or who is the better facilitator, but what can we collectively create when we combine our strengths.  When I can lean into that lens, I can feel the joy again.

Coaching questions for thought:

  • Where in your life right now are you giving from a place of fear?  Hint:  it’s typically the situations where you’re most concerned about making a mistake, looking good, proving yourself or worried about getting critical feedback.
  • Who are you comparing yourself to currently?
  • What are the special gifts that only you can give?
  • What would change if you were able to focus on the special gifts that you can give, versus the things you wish you were better at?

 Shelley Pernot is a career and leadership coach who is passionate about helping her clients develop clarity, confidence, and compassion for self.  She is particularly adept at working with high performing women who are hard on themselves.  Reach out to me here for a free consultation to learn more about the coaching process and how it may benefit you!