Ask Ms. Mindfulness

The last few months have been interesting ones, and much more challenging than usual.  I’ve found myself in the middle of several conflicts and am still actively navigating my way through some of them.  Like most human beings I don’t like conflict and have often looked for ways to avoid it in the past.  Maybe I avoid having the difficult conversation or just avoid the person entirely.  Navigating these murky conflicts has also been a struggle because I crave certainty.  It’s often easier to handle a bad outcome if we know what the outcome is.  The process of navigating through ambiguity, of uncertain outcomes, of not having closure can create a lot of angst.  It’s been hard to sit with.  But I’ve made a conscious choice to lean in rather than run and to get more comfortable with the things that are difficult to sit with.  So sit I must. It’s been challenging too because I value relationships.  I pride myself on showing up as a relationship-oriented person.  I’ve worked hard to cultivate that over the course of my career – early on I got feedback that I tended to focus on my goals and objectives while ignoring that was important to others.  I took the feedback seriously.  I worked hard to bring more balance into my approach.  To not be the kind of leader and colleague who only focused on task at the expense of relationships.  To model servant leadership.  To show up as a true collaborator with my peers.  To put people first.  Our inner critics will scare us out of conflict if we let them But no matter how much work I’ve done and no matter how many tools I have in my belt – all this outer turbulence has still managed to kick up inner turbulence in my mind.  My inner saboteur has grown louder and louder as the conflict intensified.  Maybe I haven’t worked hard enough on the feedback from early on?  Maybe I’m bad at relationships after all?  I should be better at difficult conversations at this point in my life.  I should have learned all these skills by now.  What kind of coach am I if I can’t practice what I preach?  My saboteur has been using every trick in the book to get me to run away from the hard work and just throw in the towel.  Conflict is scary after all.  It’s funny how the mind works and how it plays tricks on us.  For a long time, I think I viewed my worth as a human through the lens of my accomplishments.  How much money did I earn this year?  How many fortune 100 clients do I have?  How many times have I had articles published?  How many certifications do I have?  These were the benchmarks by how I measured my success.  And I say “were” very intentionally because I don’t think about these things so much anymore.  I’ve learned to let go of many of these metrics as a […]

“Shelley, I’ve had this ring for a while.”  She took it off her finger and showed me.  “I gave this to myself as a gift after I completed a really big climb.” I looked down.  It was a simple silver ring with a mountain scene carved into it.  I said nothing in reply.  I was still trying to catch my breath. “Inside I had it engraved,” she said.  As she held it up, I could see the etching in the sunlight. “Inside it says – ‘We do not conquer the mountain, we conquer ourselves’.” I choked back the tears and looked away.  Luckily, I was already at the back the group, where none of the other hikers could see me.  And I thought to myself, now it begins… —————– Every 4-5 years I take what I often refer to as my spiritual pilgrimage.  The first one was Kilimanjaro.  The second was the high passes around Everest.  I pick something insanely hard that requires deep physical exertion and then I go off, by myself, on a guided expedition with other hikers I’ve never met before.  Why do I do it, I’m not really sure.  I’ve found that at these times I’m usually searching for something.  Maybe I’m searching for meaning.  Maybe searching for inspiration.  Often at these times I’m at a crossroads in my life and wondering what the next challenge or direction should be.  There’s something magical that happens when you put your body through an extreme test.  At least for me.  Your mind switches off.  The experience forces you to get into your body in a different way.  To become more present to it.  To become aware of it.  To learn to rely on it.  Things seem simpler, less complicated.  The stories and lies we tell ourselves fall away on the trail.  The only thing that really matters at that moment is pushing yourself to keep going.  To take step after another painful step. The other thing that often falls away is ego.  In that moment when Cindy showed me her ring, it annihilated what was left of mine.  I had sized her up earlier in the day, I looked to be in better shape.  I’d done more challenging hikes in the past – mind you it was the very distant past.  But still.  I should have been crushing day 2.  And instead, I was the caboose.  With more and more distance opening between me and the rest of my group no matter how hard I pushed myself.  The shame was rising in my cheeks.  But I just couldn’t go any faster.  I hadn’t trained enough.  I had assumed my base level of fitness would carry me through, and it wasn’t. The importance of pain in cultivating humble leadership The physical world can teach us so many important lessons.  I talk a good talk about humility and cultivating humble leadership or servant leadership.  It comes up all the time in leadership sessions.  Just yesterday I was talking about the […]

The last few weeks have been tumultuous ones, and I’ve been shying away from writing this blog, waiting for things to settle.  It’s the space that often brings the insight.  And it’s starting to emerge, where I can now come up for a little bit of air and reflect on the last few weeks.  The last month or so has been a powerful opportunity for me to lean into conflict.  It’s not my favorite thing to do.  Many of us really struggle with conflict, it’s one of the top topics that comes up in coaching sessions with my clients, and I’ve been hit with it from all sides lately – on the family front, on the business front and even on the friendship front. I think at times we go through tumultuous periods, it’s part of the wonderful and annoying mystery of life – it’s an amazing reminder that we’re obviously not in control and life is full of ebbs and flows.  I can feel a lot of things shifting in my life as I have grown as a coach, as a leader, as a wife, and the bottom line is that often the status quo behaviors that we have become accustomed to cease to work with new levels of awareness.  Relationships may fall away as you outgrow them.  Advocating for ourselves in different ways, asserting new boundaries or expectations might create tension as we work to negotiate new agreements. What is the conflict trying to teach you? The question I often ask myself in times of conflict is – What can I learn from this experience?  How can I grow?  Sometimes it’s super hard to see the silver lining on the conflict cloud, especially when we don’t get the outcome we were hoping for.  Maybe a cherished friendship comes to an end.  Maybe a business relationship comes to an end.  There could be sadness, disappointment and grief on the other side of conflict.  These emotions are scary, and we often try to avoid them. When I ponder these potential outcomes, maybe conflict is an opportunity to experience these darker emotions, to really feel them, and to learn to live with them.  Maybe it’s an opportunity to go deeper into ourselves and recognize the pieces of us that need to heal.  Maybe it’s an opportunity to learn how to communicate with the people we care about more effectively.  Or all of the above. I’ll turn to the situation about my family.  I’ve been navigating a tricky situation with several family members where an inheritance is concerned.  Tensions have flared.  Hidden agendas have been uncovered that have resulted in a lack of trust and prevented open and honest conversations.  The conflict is often not about the surface issue The interesting thing about family is the presenting issue is often not what the conflict is really about.  Still waters and root causes often run deep.  We’re not talking about huge sums of money.  We’re not talking about large tracts of land.  There’s […]

We all know theoretically we need to get plenty of rest.  Self-care is a big theme these days, and there are plenty of reminders about how much sleep we need, exercise routines we could be doing, foods we should be eating and an overarching meme that we need to be kinder to ourselves, whatever that really means.  And then there’s reality, which often bears no resemblance.  I’ve been thinking about this quite a bit the last week, as a chronic condition I have has flared up again, often triggered in the past due to stress and lack of sleep.  Interestingly our bodies have a way of sending us messages that we often try to ignore.  Because of this flare up, it’s prompted me to rest.  I toned down my activities; I’m spending most evenings in, trying to eat as healthy as I can, getting my yoga class in every day, making sure I head to bed early.  I’ve eased up on the work front, being careful not to commit to too many things.  I let go of being overly responsive on email.  On the surface, I look rested.  My skin even has a more youthful glow!  But on the inside, not so much. Our minds will sabotage our restfulness On the inside I’m plagued with worries.  Worried about how long this flare-up will last, worried that I’m not doing enough ongoing business development and marketing.  Worried that I’m about to rebrand my career coaching practice as “burnout coaching” and worried that I won’t be able to attract new clients that way.  Worried about my friendships and my key relationships in life, am I putting in enough effort?  I cleared my mind of work finally and then I started ruminating about a specific friend and how I had texted her a few times and she hadn’t responded.  Maybe she’s mad at me?  I haven’t been super communicative recently and I haven’t reached out all that much.  Maybe this is her passive aggressive way of sending me a message?  Maybe I should call?  But then why should I, that’s codependent behavior.  I’m tired of having to make the effort.  She should text back…  I started to recognize that in the absence of work problems, my mind had fixated on this friend in the obsessive, compulsive way the mind often does so that it has something to do. I willed it to stop.  And then I started noticing my office library needed to be redecorated and found myself aimlessly scrolling on amazon, looking for new rugs.  Nothing looked good.  I’ve now sent three back just in case you were wondering and I’m no closer to achieving that carefree boho look that I crave. We have to learn to receive rest And then I realized something very important about rest.  It’s not something we necessarily achieve through physical means, although good practices like getting the proper amount of sleep are helpful in many respects.  It’s something we must allow ourselves to receive, to truly […]

A lot of my coaching clients struggle with boundaries.  I suppose it takes one to know one.  Like any good co-dependent, it’s the area I’ve probably had to do the most work on. I’ve gotten considerably better at managing boundaries over the years, which has resulted in managing expectations with clients more effectively, as I’m much more upfront about what the role of a coach is and isn’t and have worked hard to not take responsibility for my coaching clients’ learning and growth.  It’s improved family relationships and friendships, as I’ve gotten clearer on what healthy relationships look like, and as a result, no longer spend a lot of time obsessing about things or trying to control things that can’t be controlled.  And then every once in a while, I get triggered.  It’s inevitable; it happens to us all.  And it happened to me the other day when I was asked by a colleague to help them out on something they need to learn to take responsibility for themselves.  Normally I would have let the guilt push me into saying yes. But something interesting happened instead. I got visibly mad, and I found myself stomping around my office and complaining to my husband.  I got mad because I value fairness and accountability and always strive to be the kind of person who takes her fair share of the load.  I got even madder because I’ve noticed a pattern of this individual playing the victim and manipulating others in the spirit of “collaboration” to get them to step in on a moment’s notice and bail them out.  I was mad at her, and I think I was also mad from a cumulative effect of this behavior – over the course of my career I’ve often felt obligated to step in and save the day for others who I have judged (rightly or wrongly) to be stupid, lazy, weak or selfish.  I’ve felt like I had no choice but to help, and inadvertently built up a pool of smoldering resentment, as I erred to compromise myself and my values rather than risk being branded as unhelpful. Look under the guilt and anger, what’s the underlying need? Experience has taught me there’s normally something we need to look at within ourselves when we experience such a visceral reaction.  And the interesting thing about anger is there’s normally something sitting under it that’s begging to be healed.  So I looked. And then I looked some more.  And then I realized what this was really about.  It was really about approval.  We often confuse manipulation with collaboration And then I remembered a 360 I had done a long time ago, a couple of years after I had moved into leadership development.  My colleagues had provided anonymous feedback.  Their perception of me wasn’t stellar – I was completely focused on task and results, with no room for relationship.   And I prioritized my goals and deliverables above everything else.  It was a blindspot. I was so desperate […]

Our failure to know joy is a direct reflection of our inability to forgive.  Charlotte Jojo Beck I came across this quote the other day and it caused me to really pause and think.  As human beings, we tend to look at joy as something that’s attained once we’ve completed a series of steps.  I see this a lot in my coaching practice.  I’ll have joy when I get this promotion.  I’ll be able to tap into joy when I no longer work for this horrible boss, or when I feel more confident in my skillset.  I’ll have joy once I understand what my purpose and my true path on earth really is and have a plan for making it happen. It’s not wrong to seek change, to want to grow or to want to improve our circumstances.  The problem is in thinking that “fix” alone will solve the problem of not having enough joy in our lives.  Our mental construct often frames joy as something we must earn.  The truth is joy is accessible now – in our imperfect lives, our imperfect careers, our imperfect leadership, our imperfect team and family dynamics.  The issue is that we can’t often access it because we’re too busy blaming ourselves or others for the perceived problems in our lives. Forgiveness is often an inside job Beck’s quote speaks to the path we need to take to access what’s already available to us.  And more often than not, the person we need to forgive the most is ourselves. Forgiveness is about letting go of the protective armor Or maybe anger and resentment is projected outwards at the people around us.  We find ourselves locked into judgment and blame of others for the things they have done to us.  The things we have been subjected to – unfair expectations, abuse, trauma, bad leadership, bullying, being taken advantage of.  The list could go on and on.  Perhaps it shows up as passive aggressiveness or full blown aggressiveness with others.  Or maybe avoidance.  Forgiveness begins with the intention to let go of the armor of blame and defensiveness and a willingness to touch the vulnerability that sits underneath the anger.  Perhaps it’s the shame of having been humiliated publicly.  Or of having been abandoned and feeling isolated and unwanted.  Or the regret and shame of not standing up for ourselves with a difficult person.  When we can face that vulnerability and meet it with compassion and love for ourselves, we find ourselves on a much more joyful path.     For a long time, I carried a lot of anger and resentment about a previous work situation.  It was years ago, when I had just transitioned my career, and found myself in a situation where I had been set up to fail.  It wasn’t until I really leaned into the feeling that was sitting under the anger – humiliation, and allowed myself to feel it without trying to push it away, that I could let it go.  […]