The last few weeks have been tumultuous ones, and I’ve been shying away from writing this blog, waiting for things to settle. It’s the space that often brings the insight. And it’s starting to emerge, where I can now come up for a little bit of air and reflect on the last few weeks.
The last month or so has been a powerful opportunity for me to lean into conflict. It’s not my favorite thing to do. Many of us really struggle with conflict, it’s one of the top topics that comes up in coaching sessions with my clients, and I’ve been hit with it from all sides lately – on the family front, on the business front and even on the friendship front.
I think at times we go through tumultuous periods, it’s part of the wonderful and annoying mystery of life – it’s an amazing reminder that we’re obviously not in control and life is full of ebbs and flows. I can feel a lot of things shifting in my life as I have grown as a coach, as a leader, as a wife, and the bottom line is that often the status quo behaviors that we have become accustomed to cease to work with new levels of awareness. Relationships may fall away as you outgrow them. Advocating for ourselves in different ways, asserting new boundaries or expectations might create tension as we work to negotiate new agreements.
What is the conflict trying to teach you?
The question I often ask myself in times of conflict is – What can I learn from this experience? How can I grow? Sometimes it’s super hard to see the silver lining on the conflict cloud, especially when we don’t get the outcome we were hoping for. Maybe a cherished friendship comes to an end. Maybe a business relationship comes to an end. There could be sadness, disappointment and grief on the other side of conflict. These emotions are scary, and we often try to avoid them.
When I ponder these potential outcomes, maybe conflict is an opportunity to experience these darker emotions, to really feel them, and to learn to live with them. Maybe it’s an opportunity to go deeper into ourselves and recognize the pieces of us that need to heal. Maybe it’s an opportunity to learn how to communicate with the people we care about more effectively. Or all of the above.
I’ll turn to the situation about my family. I’ve been navigating a tricky situation with several family members where an inheritance is concerned. Tensions have flared. Hidden agendas have been uncovered that have resulted in a lack of trust and prevented open and honest conversations.
The conflict is often not about the surface issue
The interesting thing about family is the presenting issue is often not what the conflict is really about. Still waters and root causes often run deep. We’re not talking about huge sums of money. We’re not talking about large tracts of land. There’s unresolved conflict from long ago sitting under the surface conflict. It’s about the old stories we tell about each other and re-circulate again and again. The stories we’re afraid to let go of because they give us a sense of artificial power. “This person is entitled, and they always do this.” “This person wasn’t honest and now they need to pay for their mistake.” “This person is selfish and self-serving.” We hold on to these stories because we need to be right and our sense of identity and worthiness rests heavily on them. Over the last few months, I have watched a simple situation escalate out of control in record speed because everyone is very attached to their story, their interpretation of the others involved, and who is wrong and who is right. Patterns that emerged in childhood have played out over and over until now, where they have finally reached a breaking point.
And the bottom line is that no one wins. I recall a story my friend Bill told me about a family he knew back in California. The matriarch of the family passed, and the entire family broke up over who ended up with the prized princess Diana limited edition doll. I laughed for a long time the first time he told me that story. It’s not so funny anymore.
So what is the story of my family feud really about at the moment? I think it’s a powerful opportunity for all of us to lay down the pretense. To let go of the proving and the posturing. To practice non-judgement of ourselves and others. But to do that takes an incredible amount of courage and vulnerability, because we must learn to love ourselves so much that we can let go of the need to be right.
What would happen if you let go of the outcome?
In the last exchange with our family members my sister and I had a very hard decision to make. It brought up a lot of anxiety for me. We could take the easy road and come back with resistance. Or we could choose to try to open the situation, de-escalate it and soften our hearts. The latter road is obviously the one of humility. We asked ourselves the question – Who do we really want to be in this situation? What do we choose to stand for? And rather than escalating the situation further with a combative response, we chose transparency, we chose kindness, while still being clear about what we want and need in order to move the conversation forward.
I have never been so proud of her and of us as sisters, and it’s brought us much closer as a result. And when I think about the ultimate result of how this situation turns out, being closer to her is the only result that really matters in the big scheme of things.
The thing that I’m learning is that breaking points can be beautiful. They are literally opportunities to break relationships open in a new and exciting way. I’m excited for the possibilities that me and my sister can create together. I’m also excited for the possibilities for my extended family, to hopefully create more authentic relationships rather than the superficial ones that have been the norm.
Coaching questions for thought:
- What are the conflicts you’re currently avoiding and or engaged in?
- How could these be opportunities for growth and development? What emotions do you need to get better at sitting with? What do you need to heal in yourself? How could this be an opportunity to work on communication skills?
- What do you think could open for yourself if you were able to let go of the attachment to the outcome of the conflict? e.g. being right, winning a negotiation, looking good
Shelley Pernot is a career and leadership coach who is passionate about helping her clients develop clarity, confidence, and compassion for self. She is particularly adept at working with high performing women who are hard on themselves. Reach out to me here for a free consultation to learn more about the coaching process and how it may benefit you!