“Shelley, I’ve had this ring for a while.”
She took it off her finger and showed me.
“I gave this to myself as a gift after I completed a really big climb.”
I looked down. It was a simple silver ring with a mountain scene carved into it. I said nothing in reply. I was still trying to catch my breath.
“Inside I had it engraved,” she said. As she held it up, I could see the etching in the sunlight.
“Inside it says – ‘We do not conquer the mountain, we conquer ourselves’.”
I choked back the tears and looked away. Luckily, I was already at the back the group, where none of the other hikers could see me.
And I thought to myself, now it begins…
—————–
Every 4-5 years I take what I often refer to as my spiritual pilgrimage. The first one was Kilimanjaro. The second was the high passes around Everest. I pick something insanely hard that requires deep physical exertion and then I go off, by myself, on a guided expedition with other hikers I’ve never met before.
Why do I do it, I’m not really sure. I’ve found that at these times I’m usually searching for something. Maybe I’m searching for meaning. Maybe searching for inspiration. Often at these times I’m at a crossroads in my life and wondering what the next challenge or direction should be.
There’s something magical that happens when you put your body through an extreme test. At least for me. Your mind switches off. The experience forces you to get into your body in a different way. To become more present to it. To become aware of it. To learn to rely on it. Things seem simpler, less complicated. The stories and lies we tell ourselves fall away on the trail. The only thing that really matters at that moment is pushing yourself to keep going. To take step after another painful step.
The other thing that often falls away is ego. In that moment when Cindy showed me her ring, it annihilated what was left of mine. I had sized her up earlier in the day, I looked to be in better shape. I’d done more challenging hikes in the past – mind you it was the very distant past. But still. I should have been crushing day 2. And instead, I was the caboose. With more and more distance opening between me and the rest of my group no matter how hard I pushed myself. The shame was rising in my cheeks. But I just couldn’t go any faster. I hadn’t trained enough. I had assumed my base level of fitness would carry me through, and it wasn’t.
The importance of pain in cultivating humble leadership
The physical world can teach us so many important lessons. I talk a good talk about humility and cultivating humble leadership or servant leadership. It comes up all the time in leadership sessions. Just yesterday I was talking about the importance of this attribute in cultivating psychological safety with one’s team, along with things like curiosity, clear performance standards and connection to purpose.
And to be fair to myself I have let go of several status seeking things that I used to be very concerned with, as I’ve started to recognize they’re a hollow means of validating my self worth, e.g. how much money did I make this year, how many fortune 500 clients do I have. But one of the things I’ve realized about personal development is that when you peel the layer of the onion, there’s typically another layer that’s revealed. There’s a lot of things I’ve learned to let go of, but I’m still wedded to people thinking I’m a bad ass.
There’s talking about things like humility, and then there’s surrendering to it in the moment. There’s knowing what it means intellectually in your head, and then there’s the act of owning it in your heart. Folks who know me well know that control is my poison. And it’s only when we push up against things that we can’t control, will we finally let go. Kicking and screaming many of the times.
I knew better than to kick or scream at that moment on the trail, and I did something very different. I decided to lean in. In that moment I surrendered, I gave up any hope of being first in the pack. And then I fully accepted a very important fact – I wasn’t going to complete this trek without the help of the group. I had to let them lift me up. I allowed them in. I asked them for help to encourage me. I asked them to never let me give up. I allowed them to encourage me. I allowed them to lead me. I allowed them to teach me.
“Shelley, you know, if you hold the hiking poles this way, and push down more when you’re going up, you’ll utilize the strength in your arms more and your legs will do less work.”
Who the hell would have thought? It’s amazing what we can learn when our ego finally gets out of the way.
Coaching questions for thought – how do I cultivate humble leadership?
- In what areas of your life would it benefit you to embrace a bit more humility? (Hint: think about the things you’re really attached to. Maybe it’s other people’s perceptions of you, what you think or believe about certain topics, a strong opinion you hold on something, your accomplishments and achievements, points of comparison with other people.)
- For these areas, what would surrender look like? Maybe it’s asking for help, taking on a challenging conversation that would challenge your perspective, or lessening the hold that your accomplishments define your worth.
- On a scale of 1-10, what’s your current comfort level in asking for help? How does this affect the outcomes you get? How does this affect your leadership?
Shelley Pernot is a career and leadership coach who is passionate about helping her clients develop clarity, confidence, and compassion for self. She is particularly adept at working with high performing women who are hard on themselves. Reach out to me here for a free consultation to learn more about the coaching process and how it may benefit you!