We all know theoretically we need to get plenty of rest.  Self-care is a big theme these days, and there are plenty of reminders about how much sleep we need, exercise routines we could be doing, foods we should be eating and an overarching meme that we need to be kinder to ourselves, whatever that really means.  And then there’s reality, which often bears no resemblance.  I’ve been thinking about this quite a bit the last week, as a chronic condition I have has flared up again, often triggered in the past due to stress and lack of sleep.  Interestingly our bodies have a way of sending us messages that we often try to ignore. 

Because of this flare up, it’s prompted me to rest.  I toned down my activities; I’m spending most evenings in, trying to eat as healthy as I can, getting my yoga class in every day, making sure I head to bed early.  I’ve eased up on the work front, being careful not to commit to too many things.  I let go of being overly responsive on email.  On the surface, I look rested.  My skin even has a more youthful glow!  But on the inside, not so much.

Our minds will sabotage our restfulness

On the inside I’m plagued with worries.  Worried about how long this flare-up will last, worried that I’m not doing enough ongoing business development and marketing.  Worried that I’m about to rebrand my career coaching practice as “burnout coaching” and worried that I won’t be able to attract new clients that way.  Worried about my friendships and my key relationships in life, am I putting in enough effort? 

I cleared my mind of work finally and then I started ruminating about a specific friend and how I had texted her a few times and she hadn’t responded.  Maybe she’s mad at me?  I haven’t been super communicative recently and I haven’t reached out all that much.  Maybe this is her passive aggressive way of sending me a message?  Maybe I should call?  But then why should I, that’s codependent behavior.  I’m tired of having to make the effort.  She should text back… 

I started to recognize that in the absence of work problems, my mind had fixated on this friend in the obsessive, compulsive way the mind often does so that it has something to do. I willed it to stop.  And then I started noticing my office library needed to be redecorated and found myself aimlessly scrolling on amazon, looking for new rugs.  Nothing looked good.  I’ve now sent three back just in case you were wondering and I’m no closer to achieving that carefree boho look that I crave.

We have to learn to receive rest

And then I realized something very important about rest.  It’s not something we necessarily achieve through physical means, although good practices like getting the proper amount of sleep are helpful in many respects.  It’s something we must allow ourselves to receive, to truly experience it.  There’s almost an aspect of feeling worthy or deserving of rest that needs to sink in for many of us.  A powerful force that must be surrendered to, to really feel it.

Dare I say it, but the more I think about it, rest feels like a spiritual practice.  An exercise in putting trust in something greater than ourselves and taking a rest from the compulsive fear based behaviors we spend most of our time engaging in out of habit. 

Take a rest from having to control everything.  What we say, what others say, our reputation, our image, whether things get done “right” or the way we think they should, the outcomes we’re so wedded to, all the goals and accomplishments on our to do list that we need to be achieving in order to live our best authentic life. 

Take a rest from having to know everything.  The amount of time we spend trying to look smart, prove we know what we’re talking about, prove we are right, and the other person is wrong, that we know what we’re doing even when we haven’t the slightest clue. 

Take a rest from having to please everyone.  Others’ perceptions of us, whether people like us, do I have enough friends?  Is my boss happy with my performance?  Does that client feel like they’re getting value?  Have I pissed someone off?  Am I a likable person?

Rest in knowing you are enough

When we can let go of these things – controlling, protecting our image, pleasing, then we can rest in knowing that we are enough.  We will always be enough.  We are more than enough.  When we can let go of these things, we can rest in our true nature.  We can rest in the magic of just simply being. When that penny finally dropped for me the other day, and I allowed myself to receive the beautiful gift of rest, then I finally had peace.

I’ve often thought about the phrase, “Rest in peace.”  It’s interesting we say this only when another person has died.  A hopeful aspiration that the person who has passed will somehow manage to find peace in their afterlife.  Because for those of us here on earth, peace is typically nowhere to be found, especially in our minds, unless we recognize that it’s up to us to consciously create it. 

Coaching questions for thought:

  • What does true rest look like for you?
  • How often do you experience true rest?
  • What does it feel like in your body? 
  • What does it feel like in your mind?
  • What might you need to let go of in your mind to truly “Rest in peace?”

Shelley Pernot is a career and leadership coach who is passionate about helping her clients develop clarity, confidence, and compassion for self.  She is particularly adept at working with high performing women who are hard on themselves.  Reach out to me here for a free consultation to learn more about the coaching process and how it may benefit you!

And join me for the upcoming Leader as Coach Mastery Training Series!  The single most important managerial competency that separates highly effective managers from average ones is coaching (HBR “You Can’t Be a Great Manager if You’re Not a Good Coach” 2013).  If you’re a leader looking to fine tune your inner coach to build more powerful relationships with those you lead and influence, enroll today here.