Ask Ms. Mindfulness

Today I took a couple of calls, one with my IT guy regarding my new website we’re working on, and another with my coaching supervisor.  She recommended the book, True Yoga, and I decided a bit of spiritual enlightenment was in order. Put down the to do list I stopped what I was doing, put down my to do list and started reading the book.  As I read, I’m sitting out on my balcony, which overlooks a greenbelt here in Austin.  I’m hearing the gentle hum of my next-door neighbor’s air conditioner and it’s so soothing, I’m rocked in my chair like a baby.  My cats Bijoux and Beaux are lying at my feet, and the birds in the trees watch them ever so carefully.  They chirp their nervous warning chirps, and the kitties silently watch on.  I just heard a boat pass by on lake Austin, and even see a few patches of the blue lake through the copious leaves of the oak trees in the greenbelt. What do you notice? I notice the fig tree which we initially thought was dormant is in full swing, its fruit is ripening in the hot Texas sun.  I notice my breath, in and out, slow, and steady, and my body relaxing after the stresses of the week. I notice the wind on my skin, somehow cool and refreshing as I sit in the shade in the dirty white sundress I’ve donned, I feel the lightness of the material as it rests peacefully and lightly atop my tan skin.  I think about how I should wear white more often.  I notice the plants on my balcony are growing more than I wished them to.  And I marvel I didn’t notice it earlier. I hear a dog barking somewhere in the greenbelt.  I feel the beating of my heart in my chest.  I notice how beautiful the sunlight is as it streams through the treetops and warms and radiates energy in the plants in my yard, the flavor of my herbs: rosemary, oregano, sage, mint, basil, more pungent and sweet for its strong rays. I notice the pink ping pong ball shaped flowers of a plant I bought outside HEB the other day and hastily threw into a planter.  The bees dive gleefully and the butterflies swarm, attracted to its peppermint pink fauna. I feel the joy of resting peacefully in my body, as I read about the true meaning of yoga, the yoga sutras, the point that less is more.  The fact that the simple things in life are the things most worth experiencing.  The joy of boredom and the creativity it inspires if we just allow ourselves to rest blissfully in it.  The simple pleasure of sitting peacefully in this vessel of a body. resting in the sheer joy of being And so here I rest blissfully, in the sheer joy of being.  I write this blog post, quickly, carelessly, one word after another onto the page, not caring about the […]

Ever been pushed into pleasing in a difficult situation and then resented the heck out of it? Here's something to think about next time you feel the need to please.

Last week was international coaching week, I’m sure you had it marked on your calendar 🙂 The other day I had a conversation with my mentor coach, who asked me to think about what I’ve learned, since I started out.  I thought back to my younger self fresh off the coaching certification block and I came up with quite a list.  A key aspect of cultivating a growth mindset is to take a moment to reflect on everything you’ve accomplished, and congratulate your successes.  To sit and take stock of how far you’ve come is one of the most rewarding things a person can do.  It’s a shame most of the time we find ourselves just too busy to lean in.  I wanted to share my list with all of you, so here goes… I have learned what real friendship looks like.  I have learned that balance is a key component in any relationship worth having. I have learned there is no such thing as perfect.  Practice makes better. I have learned to question my motivation for why I do things.  Is it to grow and develop?  Or is it to look good? I have learned not to rely on male attention for a feeling of self-worth. I have learned that true assertiveness is not falling back into old reactive patterns but choosing how I want to respond. I have learned to rely on the power of God.  She is real.  She is always with me, especially at my darkest moments. I have learned to recognize my strategies for numbing my emotions.  And that to heal, I have to feel. I have learned that by doing this work, I am a better coach for my clients, and I can really show up for them. I have learned that sometimes I need to take space for myself, and that is okay. I have learned that transformation and change is possible. I have learned to ask myself what is it that I really want. I have learned to surrender and let God take control. I have learned that there will be darkness at times, and without darkness there can be no light. I have learned I can be motivated by new and exciting things that have nothing to do with money, power or prestige. I have learned to embrace my softness. I have learned what makes a good husband and a good wife. I have learned how to make my own choices. I have learned I don’t need flattery.  I’ll take it, but I don’t need it. I have learned to love my height, every bit of being a six foot one woman. I have learned to live more fully in my body.  I understand the importance of grounding in one’s body as a response to fear and trauma. I have learned the healing power of yoga. I have learned to stop name dropping.  Nobody ever cared except for me anyway. I learned I like the piano. I have learned that I […]

The other day I woke up with an ache in my neck.  It was a familiar pain, I’d experienced it in the past when I hadn’t been practicing proper ergonomics and I ended up having to do 4 months of physical therapy to get it to subside. And there it was again.  Despite the fact I know better, I’d been doing all the things I shouldn’t.  Sitting hunched over at my computer in bed or on the couch because I was too lazy to go to my office.  And forget the maintenance exercises I’m supposed to do each morning.  Who has time for that? Well, it came back this time with a vengeance.  Pain like I’d never felt before.  So painful I couldn’t sleep at night.  There I was, lying in bed on a girl’s weekend to Marfa, Texas with my best friend, awake in agony for the better part of 3 nights. The spiral loop of doom It was the last night of the trip that I really started to think myself into jail.  My friend had left me alone in the hotel room so I could go to bed early and get some rest.  Except rest was not to be had.  My mind was spinning. I knew I had to calm myself down, but I was off to the races… The day after we get back I start teaching a new leadership program for a client.   What if I’m running on no sleep to do that?  What if the pain doesn’t go away?  What if I’m not firing on all cylinders and have difficult participants?  What if they think I’m an idiot?  And then that will just set off a chain reaction to affect every other session I have with these people, who will now just view me as some kind of overpaid talentless hack who knows nothing about leadership?  Why does this kind of thing always happen to me?  I’m cursed!  It’s amazing where one’s mind will go when it has the opportunity to run free.  Mine is typically off the cliff in 10 seconds or less.  My mind was caught in what I call a spiral loop of doom – you keep replaying worst case scenario over and over again, and your anxiety rises and rises.  Eventually you end up in a state beyond fight or flight, where you literally freeze, start to dissociate and shut down. I started opening all the tools I have in my mindfulness toolkit.  I tried meditation.  No dice.  I tried breathing techniques, but again, nada.  The loop of doom had grown too strong.  And then I remembered a little phrase that my cousin Margaret had mentioned years ago when she was trying to quit smoking.  “This will pass.”  Her trick was to repeat it out loud to herself when she would get the compulsion to light up a cancer stick.  “This craving will pass.  This moment will pass.” The calming beauty of a simple phrase The beauty of that […]

We all know we should ask good questions.  The problem is that a lot of the time we don’t do it.  We default to the things that are more comfortable. When I’m teaching coaching skills to leadership, I often have them do a very simple exercise. Advice versus open ended questions In pairs, they take turns listening to a colleague, but in the first round, they do it with the hat of a mentor.  They can give advice.  And boy do they.  These conversations typically descend into, “here’s what I’ve tried that’s worked.  You should do this.”  I hear loads of closed ended questions, lots of yeses and nos as they probe their colleague for what they tried and what they didn’t try. In the second round, they can’t give any advice, and only can ask open ended questions.  (An open-ended question is one that can’t be answered with a yes or a no just in case you were wondering.). They really struggle with this one.  But during the debrief, the folks with the issue typically report that the latter exercise, the one where only open-ended questions could be asked, was the one that really expanded their thinking or got them to see something from a different perspective. Why are open ended questions so powerful? I’ve often seen the light bulb go off after I debrief this exercise.  If I’m asking an open-ended empowering question, the person on the receiving end comes to their own conclusion, not the conclusion that I think could be best for them.  The benefit of this is that the person being questioned takes more ownership of whatever the solution is.  Have you ever had a great piece of advice which you willingly gave to someone and just couldn’t understand why they didn’t take the idea and run with it?  Well, it may have been great for you, but it probably wasn’t great for them.  The ability to create one’s own solution creates natural by-in in the problem-solving process.  It gives the person with the problem a sense they also have autonomy, which is something that greatly motivates folks and many of us desperately crave this in our work.  I can’t tell you how many coaching clients I’ve had who are looking to leave a job who say they don’t have enough creativity in their work.  They feel micromanaged.  They feel condescended to.  It’s not surprising considering it’s sometimes just easier in the short run to “tell” someone how they should do something.  The problem is that this way of communicating creates loads of longer-term issues. Powerful open-ended questions also create engagement.  If I’m telling someone what I think they should do, how engaged do you really think they will be in the conversation?  Asking a powerful open-ended question opens the dialogue, I am engaging this person on a deep level, getting them to think critically and creatively about the issues they face.  And if you don’t think engagement is important, think again.  According to Gallup, […]

The other day I shared something deep and personal I had written in a very public forum, and then found myself freaking out about it.  Social media is a strange thing, and I’m not sure there are many of us who have completely mastered the art of using it.  I felt that funny feeling in my stomach.  You know the one, when you’ve been caught with your proverbial pants down.  The embarrassment, the shame, like when the teacher called on you in the second grade and you didn’t have the answer and you looked like a fool in front of your entire class. I’ve always been told by others that they admire my vulnerability.  My rawness.  My ability to put myself out there and let it all hang out, so to speak.  And so, I often do, and therefore was quite taken aback by my emotional response to sharing a seemingly innocent article the other day. Perhaps I’m not as comfortable with vulnerability as I thought I was? Vulnerability is a funny thing.  It’s a big buzzword at the moment, we’re all told we should do it.  We should lead with it and practice vulnerable moments with co-workers.  We should practice vulnerability daily in our personal lives.  Brene brown says vulnerability is the key to living a wholehearted life, whatever that means.  And I get it on many levels, it is an amazing way of creating connection with other people.  Think about it, how can anyone ever really know you if they don’t know the real, unpolished, not-so-perfect you?  It’s also important when it comes to letting go of perfectionism and practicing compassion for oneself.  Overall, vulnerability can be a really great thing. There are limits to vulnerability But there are limits.  And frankly, there should be limits to it.  Which is the lesson that hit me like a ton of bricks the other day.  You may have heard the phrase, “Don’t show your pearls with swine?”  It’s a popular piece of advice, and is adapted from a phrase in the Gospel, “Cast not pearls before swine.” Okay, I know where your thinking just went.  So the point of this is to not call other people a pig, no matter how much you may believe someone deserves it.  Or to start preaching at you.  The point is to carefully distinguish amongst who it is appropriate to share your heart with and who it makes sense to keep it more closed.  To make a conscious choice to share or not to share.  And then share it only with people who will really appreciate your message. I think every person and every culture struggles with this, but I do think having lived in many different countries, that we Americans often take the cake with this one.  We share and share and share because we think we’re supposed to.  We share things with our family for instance because they’re family and we think this is what family is supposed to look like, and […]