leadership presence

“My boss says all the time now, ‘I hear you,’ when I’m telling them something.  But the problem is, do they really?  It feels like they’ve been on a leadership course, and this is something that they’re trained to say.  Is this the case?  Is that what you’re teaching people these days?” I don’t blame her for being upset.  When I hear things like this, I want to bang my head against a wall.  It’s a perfect example of hearing something in a leadership class, and then applying it on autopilot as a box tick exercise.  People aren’t stupid, and they can always smell when someone isn’t being authentic and is just going through the motions.  I’ll just say the things they tell me to say.  And that will get the result I want. Wrong.  Leadership skills aren’t meant to be a crash course in manipulation.  And even though I often say leadership is more about who you are being than what you are doing, there are still so many folks who show up to a course looking for a quick tip or trick that will miraculously transform a relationship without putting in the hard work. The doing versus the being of listening Let me explain what I mean by doing and being. Doing – is about developing leadership skills and practising them until they form new habits. It takes persistence, practice, and hard work.  These could be skills pertaining to having feedback conversations, listening skills, performance conversations, delegating tasks, coaching, giving presentations, time management.  These are some of the skills related to successful leadership and we must practice them, as the more we practice the more leadership competency we build.  Practice makes better.  Being – is a journey of leadership self-exploration. When we are more self-aware and accessing our Learner Mindset we can manage our well-being, build stronger relationships, innovate, and deliver higher performance levels.  Being is about how you are showing up.  Are you just going through the motions, or do you really care about your employees, the team, and the work product?  If you value things like integrity, is that visible to others in our behaviour?  Would others describe you as a person with a high degree of integrity?  The question I often ask leaders to explore this aspect of beingness is “Why on earth would anyone follow you?”  It’s meant to be provocative, because there is often a disconnect between how we want to be perceived and how our beingness is landing with others. So back to my participant’s question.  One of the skills that I often illustrate is acknowledging and validating what you’re hearing another person say.  That goes way beyond parroting a phrase like, “I hear you.”  Here’s what I said to that participant:  “It sounds to me that you’re frustrated.  And it makes perfect sense that you would be because I’m hearing that authenticity is important to you.  You wonder whether your boss is paying attention, or just parroting something they’ve been told […]

One of my participants asked the most brilliant question on a leadership training this week.  We were talking about the importance of managing your emotional intelligence as a leader, which is so critical considering it’s the leader that sets the tone of a team. To the extent that the leader of a team shows up as frustrated or anxious, it creates a multiplier effect that spills over onto everyone else, and the problem is that your team isn’t going to do their best work in an environment like that. “I know it’s important to reflect.  Meditation and journaling are helpful.  Exercise is helpful.  Sleep is important I know.  But what do I do if say I’m in a meeting, and it’s tense.  And I find my emotions getting triggered.  Let’s say I get angry because the person I’m dealing with is inflexible and difficult.  What can I do to manage my emotions then?” I love this question.  And it brings up a great point.  A lot of the stress management and emotional management techniques out there are aimed at what I call maintenance.  Establishing healthy practices that enhance our overall quality of emotional well-being.  And these are fantastic as they greatly reduce the overall probability that we will get triggered at an inopportune time.  But we all have a bad day.  We all have a bad moment.  We’re human after all, and the human experience is full of emotions, some on the positive side, some on the painful and so called “negative” side.  That’s the inherent duality of life.  And no matter how subtle our reaction to something that triggers us, it still triggers us.  Maybe we don’t say what we would really like to say or what we’re thinking in the moment – I’m scared, You’re wasting my time, You’re an idiot, I’m an idiot, This is stupid, but it still affects us and the quality of the interaction we are engaged in.  We tense up, they tense up.  We tune out, they tune out.  Energetically something is going on, something is not being said, but tension hangs in the air, and you could cut it with a knife. So back to the amazing question.  What do I do?  The following practice is one that could be helpful.  You can use aspects of it in the moment if you find yourself in a pinch, maybe you just utilize the pause step at that critical moment when you’re really triggered and you can also utilize it as a diagnostic tool to help build awareness. How to manage emotions in a difficult situation – a 3 step process Pause – Take a couple of deep breaths.  If you’re in a meeting no one has to know.  If it’s appropriate you might excuse yourself for a minute or two.  Then ask yourself a question or two:  Whatever the feeling is, it’s valid.  Just acknowledge it.  There’s no need to blame or shame yourself for feeling whatever is coming up.  You might tell […]