self care

We all know theoretically we need to get plenty of rest.  Self-care is a big theme these days, and there are plenty of reminders about how much sleep we need, exercise routines we could be doing, foods we should be eating and an overarching meme that we need to be kinder to ourselves, whatever that really means.  And then there’s reality, which often bears no resemblance.  I’ve been thinking about this quite a bit the last week, as a chronic condition I have has flared up again, often triggered in the past due to stress and lack of sleep.  Interestingly our bodies have a way of sending us messages that we often try to ignore.  Because of this flare up, it’s prompted me to rest.  I toned down my activities; I’m spending most evenings in, trying to eat as healthy as I can, getting my yoga class in every day, making sure I head to bed early.  I’ve eased up on the work front, being careful not to commit to too many things.  I let go of being overly responsive on email.  On the surface, I look rested.  My skin even has a more youthful glow!  But on the inside, not so much. Our minds will sabotage our restfulness On the inside I’m plagued with worries.  Worried about how long this flare-up will last, worried that I’m not doing enough ongoing business development and marketing.  Worried that I’m about to rebrand my career coaching practice as “burnout coaching” and worried that I won’t be able to attract new clients that way.  Worried about my friendships and my key relationships in life, am I putting in enough effort?  I cleared my mind of work finally and then I started ruminating about a specific friend and how I had texted her a few times and she hadn’t responded.  Maybe she’s mad at me?  I haven’t been super communicative recently and I haven’t reached out all that much.  Maybe this is her passive aggressive way of sending me a message?  Maybe I should call?  But then why should I, that’s codependent behavior.  I’m tired of having to make the effort.  She should text back…  I started to recognize that in the absence of work problems, my mind had fixated on this friend in the obsessive, compulsive way the mind often does so that it has something to do. I willed it to stop.  And then I started noticing my office library needed to be redecorated and found myself aimlessly scrolling on amazon, looking for new rugs.  Nothing looked good.  I’ve now sent three back just in case you were wondering and I’m no closer to achieving that carefree boho look that I crave. We have to learn to receive rest And then I realized something very important about rest.  It’s not something we necessarily achieve through physical means, although good practices like getting the proper amount of sleep are helpful in many respects.  It’s something we must allow ourselves to receive, to truly […]

Today I took a couple of calls, one with my IT guy regarding my new website we’re working on, and another with my coaching supervisor.  She recommended the book, True Yoga, and I decided a bit of spiritual enlightenment was in order. Put down the to do list I stopped what I was doing, put down my to do list and started reading the book.  As I read, I’m sitting out on my balcony, which overlooks a greenbelt here in Austin.  I’m hearing the gentle hum of my next-door neighbor’s air conditioner and it’s so soothing, I’m rocked in my chair like a baby.  My cats Bijoux and Beaux are lying at my feet, and the birds in the trees watch them ever so carefully.  They chirp their nervous warning chirps, and the kitties silently watch on.  I just heard a boat pass by on lake Austin, and even see a few patches of the blue lake through the copious leaves of the oak trees in the greenbelt. What do you notice? I notice the fig tree which we initially thought was dormant is in full swing, its fruit is ripening in the hot Texas sun.  I notice my breath, in and out, slow, and steady, and my body relaxing after the stresses of the week. I notice the wind on my skin, somehow cool and refreshing as I sit in the shade in the dirty white sundress I’ve donned, I feel the lightness of the material as it rests peacefully and lightly atop my tan skin.  I think about how I should wear white more often.  I notice the plants on my balcony are growing more than I wished them to.  And I marvel I didn’t notice it earlier. I hear a dog barking somewhere in the greenbelt.  I feel the beating of my heart in my chest.  I notice how beautiful the sunlight is as it streams through the treetops and warms and radiates energy in the plants in my yard, the flavor of my herbs: rosemary, oregano, sage, mint, basil, more pungent and sweet for its strong rays. I notice the pink ping pong ball shaped flowers of a plant I bought outside HEB the other day and hastily threw into a planter.  The bees dive gleefully and the butterflies swarm, attracted to its peppermint pink fauna. I feel the joy of resting peacefully in my body, as I read about the true meaning of yoga, the yoga sutras, the point that less is more.  The fact that the simple things in life are the things most worth experiencing.  The joy of boredom and the creativity it inspires if we just allow ourselves to rest blissfully in it.  The simple pleasure of sitting peacefully in this vessel of a body. resting in the sheer joy of being And so here I rest blissfully, in the sheer joy of being.  I write this blog post, quickly, carelessly, one word after another onto the page, not caring about the […]

A proud child of the eighties, I’m sometimes reminded of that Whitesnake song, “Here I go again on my own.  Going down the only road I’ve ever known.  Like a drifter I was born to walk alone!” Catchy huh?  Except for the fact that the songwriter was more concerned with finding the perfect rhyme than sharing an important truth about life.  Which brings me to the point of today’s blog:  how to develop a support network.  Cultivating a robust support network is an important ingredient in the multifaceted recipe of resilience. 

The self-care word is everywhere these days, and marketers have wasted no time in exploiting this tagline to peddle anything from aromatherapy to underwear.  Treat yourself to a moment of self-care – you deserve it!  It’s the same old song and dance, just with a different name.  And we fall for it, over and over again. The problem with self-care Not to say that there is anything wrong with relaxation, there isn’t.  Not to say that there’s anything wrong with being kind to yourself, there isn’t.  I highly recommend both of these things as regular practices.  It’s just that in our culture, where downtime is not rewarded and we tend to associate self-worth with how busy we are, we find “active” ways to initiate self-care.  I’ll get a massage, get my nails done, have a spa day, go out with the girls or guys, go shopping, have a nice meal, drink a fancy bottle of wine.  Even when we’re practicing self-care, we’re not resting.  We’re just ticking it off the list and thinking about the next thing on our to do list.  The moment of relaxation from the massage quickly fades and we go straight back into the fire.  And then we dream of the next massage and resent what we’re doing.  We can’t wait for the next one again, and we are trapped in the never ending cycle yet again.  Stress – quick release – stress – quick release. But we’re tired, we’re stressed, and we need self-care, right?  And, plus, we deserve it!  We’ve worked hard for it!  We’re burned out.  This self-care thing is the magic potion that is going to reignite our passion and spirit and help us feel human again, right? Coping versus treating the root cause Wrong.  For most of us, this type of self-care is a coping mechanism.  It’s the equivalent of slapping a crappy Band-Aid on a huge gaping wound.  We may “practice” these forms of self-care, but we’re never addressing the underlying problem that caused the need for it in the first place. Now you’re wondering what the underlying problem is, aren’t you? A lot of people tell me they are overworked, under resourced, have a bad boss, horrible colleagues, the company lacks direction or doesn’t care about their employees, and all these things may be true.  But true burnout, and the stress that leads to burnout, comes from a different place. It comes from an underlying feeling that you’re not good enough.  I’m not good enough, so I spend more time than is really necessary working on something so that it’s perfect.  I’m not good enough, so I am afraid to say no and then beat myself up for accepting another piece of work that I’m going to have to work day and night to complete.  I’m not good enough, so I over personalize my boss’s bad behavior and think (deep down) the reason they act like such a jerk is my fault. It’s the constant, “I have to prove […]