self judgement

How to Stop Judging People (Just Leave it to Judge Judy) In August of 2015, a month after I packed in my job and started my own life coaching company, I decided to reward myself with a two-week meditation retreat. A few weeks of blissful self-reflection in the wilds of the Colorado mountains I mused. A fitting start for a trail-blazing woman who has just left the madness of the corporate grind to embark on a new journey and start a business focused on personal development. It reminds me of that saying, “The road to hell is paved with good intentions.” Perhaps you’ve heard of it? The setting was indeed idyllic. I spent the two weeks in a tent in a very remote part of the Colorado mountains with 120 other brave souls. So idyllic, in fact, that often a chipmunk or deer would wander in during meditation sessions and stare at the strange humans sitting on mats, staring off into space for hours on end. I often spent hours longing to be one of those deer. At least I could have escaped.  The night before the retreat started, we gathered together for an orientation. During that session, it became clear to me that the meditation retreat really was just that – meditating. All day long. No rest for the weary. Sitting was to start at 7 am and end each evening around 9 pm. And it was at that point, Dear Reader, that the panic started to set in. Two weeks? Two weeks of sitting on a mat? My legs will go numb. My back will give out. I’ll die of boredom. And it was just at that precise moment, in my infinite wisdom, I realized I had inadvertently signed up for two weeks of my worst fear. For some people it’s snakes. For some it’s death. I, however, fear boredom and will do just about anything to avoid it. We See What We Want To See You may be thinking to yourself, “How could she have been so stupid?” (Which would be judgment, by the way, but we’ll get into that later.) And it’s true. It was indeed billed as a meditation retreat – make no mistake. But often the mind sees and interprets what it wants to see and interpret, Dear Reader. After the first day, I was convinced I was going to claw my eyes out. Between sitting sessions, I sought out other like-minded meditators for much needed conversation where I blurted out my fears and concerns like a bulimic needing a good purge. And then the unthinkable happened. The head meditation instructor announced that the retreat was to become completely silent. No talking, even between the sitting sessions during breaks. Not one single word. If there was an emergency, we were to write a note. A Run-Away Freight Train High on Judgment Resigned to my new silent fate, the next morning I was sitting on my mat, under the guise of meditation:   “Uuuugh, I […]

If you’re like millions of folks across the globe, chances are you set a New Year’s resolution.  And if you’re like most folks, you probably won’t keep it either.  Some statistics say your chances are about 8%, which is not super inspiring.  And most folks will say it’s because they’re lacking in willpower. As a coach I see this quite a bit.  A client will set themselves a task for homework and when the next session comes, they just haven’t found the time to do it.  When the question why is asked, it’s not uncommon to hear things like “I know I should be doing it, but time just got away from me.” The real reason you won’t keep your New Year’s resolution is that you’re lying to yourself (although you probably don’t even realize it).  The word should is a dead giveaway.  I should cut down on drinking, I should quit smoking, I should save more money, I should be nicer to my kids, I should be more organized. We should all over ourselves all the time. The bottom line is that we make time for the things that are really important.  We don’t however make time for the shoulds.  That’s why they are shoulds.  They are often the things we THINK we need to do because maybe some important person said it was a good idea, or your mom said to do it when you were a kid or you heard about it on TV and thought it would be a good idea. When I hear a lot of shoulds from a client I start asking questions about what’s really important.  If you can connect a should to something that’s really important to you, you have a much better chance of actually doing it.  Let me give you an example: For a long time I thought I should go to boot camp in the morning.  Despite buying the fancy shoes and designer work out top I never went however, even though I kept telling myself that it would be good for my health.  Now I think about it differently.  One of my most important goals is to be the best coach I can be for my clients.  Boot camp is incredibly energizing and when I go I feel so much better the rest of the day.  I’m more focused, have more energy for my clients and show up in the way I want to be seen by others.  So yes boot camp is good for my health, but I really go because it makes me a better coach.  See the difference?  Once I made that connection I started going, and I haven’t stopped, despite the fact it’s been really cold lately in the mornings and I HATE the cold… How’s it going with your resolution?  If the answer is not very well, how could you reframe it to increase your commitment?